In This Is How We Heal from Painful Childhoods, you provide readers with a guide for dealing with childhood traumas that leave an impact far into adulthood. Why was this an important book for you to write?
Throughout the doctoral program for my PhD in clinical psychology, I searched for a comprehensive program to address the many complex issues present in family environments that allowed for repeated trauma and dysfunction. While I learned many fantastic therapeutic approaches to treating trauma, I found that they addressed several key parts of the trauma picture while ignoring other critical components. And so I set out to create a more complete list of variables, along with solutions and guidance to address each variable. And it only took me 14 years to complete!
What is a common misconception you feel people have about growing up with a dysfunctional family dynamic?
So many young adults believe that all they have to do is get free of their dysfunctional family by getting a solid job and their own independent place to live, which usually works for about a decade until their late 20’s and early 30’s when the less obvious (but very damaging) lingering habits and unhealthy thinking prevent personal thriving and happiness. It is not until they learn about self-sabotaging cycles, interpersonal control dynamics, and other natural consequences of the dysfunctional family dynamic that these survivors are able to truly break free from their family’s trauma history.
Can you share with us a little about the research required to put your book together?
First of all, for many years I have directly served clients struggling with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), like at the National Center for PTSD at the Veterans Affairs Palo Alto Healthcare System (amongst other places) where I studied and worked for 4 years in graduate school. Secondly, through continuing education programs, I purposefully learned many of the empirically validated therapies for treating trauma (EMDR, biofeedback, mindfulness, ACT, DBT, etc.). Third, by 2015, I had created my curriculum that included 13 variables that I turned into ‘rules’ that were easier for my clients to memorize and integrate into their lives. By 2017, the list had grown to 20 rules. By 2020, the 20 rules curriculum was highly refined and had successfully helped my clients and me address their family dysfunction in a comprehensive and detailed fashion. It was time to put the curriculum into book format!
What is one thing you hope readers can take away from This Is How We Heal from Painful Childhoods?
The lifestyle of upward mobility!! There is no one technique, one concept or skill, or one action that will heal a survivor and prepare them for a healthy, stable, happy life with their own successful relationships and family. So, much like the lifestyle of the martial artist, thriving survivors of childhood struggles have adopted a lifestyle of self-education, training, and self-empowerment that comes with tremendous challenges and victories throughout their lives. They just keep learning in their therapeutic activities–year after year–the many skills and insights that enable them to successfully handle life’s many challenges, as well as pass on their hard-learned education to the next generation!
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